Artist Statement
For many years the reflection in the mirror was terrifying and unsettling, the pain and disgust that I felt towards myself and the person that took it all away from me was often unbearable. For many years I reinforced my silence by drinking away my disbelief and shame. I had felt silenced by the system that had failed me; and over and over again I felt angry at how my country had betrayed me even when I had given so much to it. I had spent 6 years of my life working towards a future with the military, my comrades – family really. I had walked on the unevenness of peacekeeping in the former Yugoslavia. I had laughed, sweated, enjoyed, loved, sacrificed, and worked my ass off to be the best soldier that I could be. I had fulfilled a childhood dream of becoming a member of one of the most prestigious militaries in the world. I had sworn to serve my country even if it meant laying my life down for the Queen. And often in reflection I felt as though I had paid the ultimate sacrifice - my life. My life as it was. During those days the old adage of ‘the truth shall set you free’ in actuality was the furthest from the reality of the situation. Telling the truth – telling someone was what haunted me for many years. And in reality the system of truth in my experience reinforced silence and celebrated the unspeakable. Like a friend turning a blind eye, the childhood instituted system of morality and honour no longer existed.
Today, seven years later, I have worked towards rebuilding new dreams – refocusing my sights on new goals and celebrating small victories not on the battlefield. I have lost touch with many of my old friends and gained new ones along the way. Slowly over the years I have transitioned into the mentality of a civilian but it has not been without grief and heartache, not only for myself but also for my partners and family. I have spent hours and days working through my demons and my hate. And not one day will pass without me thinking about my time in the forces.
Today I am working towards speaking to the unspeakable, capturing moments that cannot be captured, and accrediting Military Sexual Trauma as a recollection of truth. Every time I speak my truth, my story, my being, I become healed and understood.
I am a documentary new media maker and it is my hope that you will share your story – fragmented, contradicting, emotional, and messy or in whatever way that you feel comfortable. Refuse to be buried in the bureaucratic social silencing. I am listening. We are listening. You will be heard.
Heather Lidberg
Show your support by sharing your story. Your story is important. Your story will be heard.